Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thursday, Tears-Day

It's been a week.  And yet, it's been a week that I am so thankful for the love and the goodness of the Lord.  My sister Terri is just kind of hanging in the balance, holding her own.  The last of the family that is not there (with the exception of me and my sister Trish) will finish arriving tonight.  After this day, the next two will be critical, and will tell more of whether or not she will be able to pull out of this sickness.

I am so thankful for the fact that my dad and step-mom have been there.  My step-mom hasn't left her side hardly at all.  I know that she has been burdened for Terri, and that gives me such peace.  Terri's husband has been there as well, but there's something about the presence of a mom in your life, whether or not she's biological.  I sent Sandy a text yesterday, thanking her for being a rock for them all during this time.

The doctor informed my family yesterday that she has fibrosis in her lungs.  It's scar tissue that will continually get worse, making it increasingly harder for her to breathe on her own.  They were never able to perform a tracheotomy, because they had to keep turning her ventilator up.  She is unaware of what is going on around her, and for that too, I am thankful.

Because of this and a few other things, like my sister leaving in the morning to move to Colorado and crazy hormones, I am an emotional wreck.  I haven't had makeup on since Monday, and today after applying it so carefully this morning, I cried it all off at my homeschool group.  My friend Kari came up to me and hugged me, and the minute she touched my shoulder, I lost it.  I can sense the Holy Spirit so obviously in her...it is unlike anything I have experienced in all of my life.  I love that girl and cherish her more than words can express.

Not just her, but her entire family~her boys all hugged me this morning, her dad, her sister.  Whew.  It gets to me all over again, just writing the words.

My neighbor pulled out of his driveway tonight for the last time, as well.  Mr. Dan has been such a dear friend and help to us over the years we've lived here.  He helped me stop a trailer from running over Drew when he was a toddler, he's gotten me out of countless "oopsies" and I just don't like change.  I cried as I watched him pull out of his driveway for the last time.

I told you, I am a mess.

Add to these things the kindness expressed in some way to me from dear friends, and you can imagine the tears and weepy-ness.  It's a good thing my friends love me in spite of the fact that I leak.  And another of my sisters, Debi, she had to put her precious dog down today.  I swear, I cry at that statement.  I hurt for her, because I know how much she loved Kelsey.  And I realize that unless you are an animal lover, you cannot understand that grief, but it is so real!  My heart literally aches for her.

Today was a sweet day at Renewed Moms.  I love my small group ladies and the time we share.  It's a precious time of sharing and laughing and crying that is hard to explain, and then there's the Bible study part.  Once again, I am so thankful that the Lord led me to them.  It was no accident in His eyes, and I believe He knew a year and a half ago that I would so need these precious sisters in Christ.  I know I write about them all the time, but I have never meant anything more.

It's therapeutic, writing all of this out.  It doesn't solve anything, but it helps relieve some of this _____ fill in the blank of whatever this is that I'm feeling.

One thing for certain: I cannot imagine having to go through this stage of my life alone and without the Lord by my side.  Maybe that seems foreign, but He is literally carrying me through this time.  I am so grateful for His grace that He so freely gives.  Without Him, I am nothing and would never amount to anything.  He is truly my all in all, and He holds me together.

Thanks for reading.  I will leave you with this picture of my dad and Terri, taken just a few short months ago.  Isn't she beautiful?  I can hear her laughing in this picture.


Love to all.

4 comments:

3jays said...

You are so graceful durning this time. God's spirit is all around you in every way. I know you think you're leaning on your friends but we're encouraged by you.

Jennifer Goodwin said...

You are so precious, Ester! Thank you for the encouragement. My heart is hopeful this morning~there has been some good progress throughout yesterday and last night! I'm still believing in God for the unexpected! Love you, my friend!

Phyllis said...

You know I always love you and am here for you to cry on anytime you want to, or need to! I agree that any one of the things you mentioned is enough to start huge emotions. I knew all of these things were happening but last night you had it all together and had such a wonderful meal for us and an evening of laughter. If you EVER need me, even just to go for a cup of coffee or for you to come to my house to get away and collapse, I am just a text or phone call away. As 3jays said, we are encouraged by you!!! I love you so much!!!!!

Jennifer Goodwin said...

Phyllis, thank you so much for those sweet words! Thursday night was good for me, because I needed an evening of escape! I thought it was a fun night. :) And I know that you're there! I love you!

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